Loneliness and Vanishing Twin
Categorised in: Insights
Loneliness is an unnatural and painful emptiness which haunts all human beings from time to time. People who have dissociative identity disorder [DID] suffer in the same ways as mono persons do, but also have the added confusion of thinking their alters are adequate substitutes for other people. We were made for relationship with our Creator God, Jesus Christ. When we are not in relationships with other people we can be abysmally lonely. We can even be very lonely in a crowd. I want to share usual reasons DID people suffer this problem and also address the vanishing twin syndrome which is not as well known.
A person with DID usually lacks trust due to the majority of life experiences being full of untrustworthy people, makes it difficult to have healthy relationships. Trust is a foundation for any relationship.
Ps. 17:6,7 I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God…shew thy marvelous lovingkindness, O thou that save by thy right hand them which put their trust in thee from those that rise up against them.
Some people get healed to a certain stage and then stop. They believe there is no one for them to have a friendship with and have depended upon an alter/s for that socialization. Does this sound familiar? Truly, it is important to be good to yourself and treat yourself the way a faithful friend treats a friend. But the truth is…. the alters are you. You are worth having friends, and do need them to be mentally and emotionally healthy.
It is possible that some of your alters, especially protectors, actually caused problems which you may not have been aware of at the time due to those amnesic barriers. They probably thought they were protecting the original person [OP]. That is not likely to happen after healing and integration.
It is possible that some of your alters, especially protectors, actually caused problems which you may not have been aware of at the time due to those amnesic barriers. They probably thought they were protecting the original person [OP].
Even after integration, some may choose to disintegrate themselves in order not to be lonely. This is fallacious thinking because the alters are all one and the same person and so no true relationship is actually occurring.
Some people have not learned good social skills during their healing. These skills are necessary for relationships. These are vital because dissociation is a coping skill which needs to be replaced with other healthy coping skills. Remember: dissociation works well for a child but not an adult.
The book Success is the Quality of the Journey by Jennifer James explains the difference between loneliness and solitude. She says both are chosen.
Prayer counseling is intimate. I greatly desire solitude after a full day of ministry. But, I am not lonely!
I like You Because by Albert J. Nimeth says people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges. When we judge others as rejecting us, being less or better than us, we do not build the bridges to be their friends.
You need to learn the value of all people and our design by the Creator to be loved and to give love. We were not designed to judge. Omniscient Almighty God is the only one qualified to judge others. By identifying your judgments against others and learning the freedom which only forgiveness can bring, you receive healing. Many people do not want to forgive or do not understand it.
There are many different triggers which drive us to loneliness. A picture, movie, song, smell of certain foods or scents, a place, certain weather, a news article, a phrase or observing people in relationships are a few which can provoke that empty often self -pity hollowness. When a certain trigger is stimulated, that particular alter who was triggered comes out and reacts. This is a good time for journaling. Try to connect with the part of you which is feeling so lonely. Discover why.
Don’t get me wrong. I get lonely just as any other person. When I feel that horrible emotion, I try to discover what I have been thinking. Sometimes just seeing an affectionate couple strolling by the lake will trigger a thought of self-pity and resulting loneliness. Thinking that others will be with friends and family and knowing that you will not can bring on loneliness. You are not alone! God has told us that He will never forsake us and that He is always with us and available to us. It really does not matter if we feel His presence…although it is super great when we do. It is important to talk with Him as though we see Him there with us. We need to learn and practice listening prayer.
Ps. 28:6 Blessed be the Lord, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications.
Loneliness can also be a result of low productivity. When a person is not involved in something deemed important and purposeful to them, there is a sense of not belonging or being connected. (It is helpful to do a favorite exercise of mine that we published entitled “A Favorite Tool: Chasing the Blues and Connecting with God” found in Video Blogs by Sandra.)
The lonely people we care for often report the following signs and symptoms:
- feel excluded
- destiny malaise
- need control
- feel like a failure
- overly competitive
- feel abandoned
- feel great grief
- others do not relate
- fear death
- have death wishes
- feel lonely
- perform for value and love
- have survivor’s guilt
- take responsibility for others
- sabotage relationships
- believe they do not deserve good sweetness of life
These also are classic reports of people who happen to be twins or a part of multiple conceptions. Although these reports can, in part, be attributed to many other conditions, most of the above are experienced by people who have experienced a vanishing twin.
With the advent of ultrasonography more and more fetuses were observed to seemingly spontaneously vanish. The ultrasound could detect a twin in the first three months [first trimester] of the pregnancy but with subsequent tests, there was no twin. Prior to the 1970’s it was common medical practice not to tell patients the whole story, which explains why some parents did not know they had a twin who did not survive. If the parents did not know, they would not be able to tell the other twin of the fact.
If the mother is 20 years old or younger the risk is 16/1000 live births. If the mother is over 40 years old the risk is 70/1000 live births. A fetal death in the second three months [second trimester] or third trimester is considered a high risk pregnancy for the surviving twin. Surviving twins in the high-risk category were vulnerable to cerebral palsy. The age of your mother during your development in the womb is important to know. History is vitally helpful in the healing process. If your parents are not available, a relative or close family friend may be helpful with history.
Thomas Verny, M.D. with John Kelly wrote a remarkable book in 1981 entitled The Secret Life of the Unborn Child. It was based upon two decades of research. It explained that the unborn is capable of learning, able to warn you of medical problems you and your doctor may not be aware of, able to hear and respond to voices and sounds (including music), sensitive to parents’ feelings about him/her, capable of responding to love. They are active, feeling human beings…not just products of conception. Their work stressed the importance of the womb experience for the remainder of a person’s life.
PS. 139:13-14 Thou it was who didst fashion my inward part; thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee, for thou hast made me with awe; wonderful thou art, and wonderful thy works.
In 1989, Elizabeth Nobel noted that the surviving twin often experienced despair, anger, grief and great loss.
The survivors often feel seriously lonely and like they are living life for two people. They may be confused by discerning between their destiny
and that of their twin’s. They strive to be connected but on the other hand greatly fear that connection would be too painful, so they often sabotage relationships which are proving to be good! Life in the womb of twins is very intimate. Many of us have seen u-tube accounts of twins’ closeness even after birth. They know each other and communicate with each other in the womb. Do you have memories of talking with someone in the womb? Many of us have witnessed them holding hands. You may be questioning this, but the spirit is quite mature at conception and people remember events in their lives even before their physical brains were formed. There is current research to be found on line regarding teaching infants in utero and other validations of our capable personhood in the womb.
There is current research to be found on line regarding teaching infants in utero and other validations of our capable personhood in the womb.
Since we know that certain things contribute to the death of a baby in utero, ask about such events in your mother’s life. Here are some things to ask about during the 1-4 month’s gestation:
hit in abdomen/stomach
hyperemesis [violent vomiting]
history of twins in family
an extreme emotional experience i.e. a sickness or death of a loved one
symptoms of miscarriage, uterine cramping, or bleeding and pelvic pain
If the twin dies after the embryonic period of gestation, the water within the twin’s tissues, the amniotic fluid and placental tissue, may be reabsorbed. This results in flattening of the deceased twin from the pressure of the surviving twin. Survivors often have serious survivor’s guilt or want no competition.
This results in flattening of the deceased twin from the pressure of the surviving twin. Survivors often have serious survivor’s guilt or want no competition.
A frantic sense of competition can develop to survive. Negative attitudes towards the twin and mother for their situation can also occur.
Once the baby has died, the mother’s body views it’s body as a foreign substance and produces enzymes to reabsorb the tissue. The other twin gets flooded with these enzymes too. This can result in many allergies or the sense of fighting for life! There can be great fear and shock. They may develop severe control issues due to fighting to control their environment in order to survive. They may feel great failure because they could not prevent the loss of their twin nor the subsequent environment. They were there while their twin was wasting away! What grief! What loss! If you are getting emotional now, this could be a sign that you were a twin.
There could be great guilt for taking nutrition. As I wrote this, I think the Holy spirit alerted me that this could be a source of anorexia.
And now, how lonely!! They may develop a sense of not deserving and therefore be poor at receiving. They may be fabulous givers but sabotage any relationship which gives to them. This could result in money problems. Many survivors are in the caring professions i.e. nurses, physicians and social workers.
They may decide in the womb that they have to be perfect to be loved and therefore become performance oriented. Their need for safety induces parental inversion. They are afraid to bond for fear of the pain.
I often hear that others do not relate to them. Well, certainly not the same way they learned to relate to their twin! They are often the child not chosen. Often they relate better to older people than peers. Do you?
On some occasions, it would seem the twin did not go straight to heaven but has somehow stayed connected to the living twin. This causes a lot of trouble and needs to be discovered and remedied.
In conclusion, people can be greatly wounded and lonely due to losing a twin in utero. If this could be you, it is important to know the cause of this grief, to recognize its results in thoughts and to test if these thoughts and decisions are true. There is a need to bring forgiveness for all involved and especially if you may blame yourself for the death of your twin. I give you permission to grieve. Grieving is a necessary step in healing. Often Holy Spirit reveals the twin to the survivor…what a glorious event for healing.
After this, you can joyfully go forth in your destiny.
Copyright 2017 A.C.A.C.I.A. LLC
American Pregnancy Association: americanpregnancy.org
The New English Bible
Verny, Dr. Thomas and Kelly, John. The Secret Life of the Unborn Child,
Dell Publishing, New York, New York, 10036, 1981.