Getting to Know All About Me
Categorised in: Insights
How do you get acquainted with yourself? How do you find out what is going on inside? That may seem like a simple process, but for someone who is shattered, it can be very difficult. The first step is to listen. If you have not been listened to or believed, that can be a huge roadblock. There can be active resistance or anger toward listening to those inside. It can also be subtle, such as denying there is a problem or like staying busy so there is no time for you to listen. If you have any judgments from not being listened to, get rid of those, then schedule a set time to be quiet and just listen.
Trusting and being trustworthy are very big issues in dealing with those inside. You need to respect the needs of all of you and set an example of how to respect everyone, even those who seem different or unappealing. By keeping your word, listening to whatever is said and weighing it carefully, by being kind to all of you, you can build trust with every part of you. Once the door is opened by doing these things, you will have gone a long way towards your healing.
So now that you are listening inside, how do you get more cohesion and teamwork? The options are limited only by your imagination. Some people have a buddy program, like a mentorship, where the older more mature ones inside help the younger ones. If there is a helpful mother inside, maybe she can work with the little children or babies. If she is tired, you could ask the Lord Jesus to send angels to help her out. If there are some who love Jesus, they might be able to tell others about how wonderful Jesus is. Remember to always treat each other the way you want to be treated.
I cannot stress this point enough. Your imagination created all the alters. No one else created them. Someone else may have offered suggestions for the alters at the time of the trauma, but you created them! Use your same marvelous imagination for your healing…..only you have the power. What if you had a group birthday party inside? By asking when a part was “born” or came into being, you will understand much more about them. Usually they began because of trauma, so you need to have stability and safety to process this information. You could include good, harmless, fun activities, and pretty presents too.
Honor each part just like you would with friends who are outside. Watch someone you respect introduce themselves to others and notice their non-verbals as well as how they talk to strangers. Use that same kindness, patience or friendliness in getting to know who is inside you. As you learn the stories of your alter parts, you can see what you have in common with those you thought were opposite from you. Intolerable conflict is what divided you in the first place, and mutual understanding and respect will help you put the pieces back together.
Think of how a counselor or therapist might work and apply those ideas to yourself. For example, you could have group therapy, life skills training, or other group work. You might have one group learning about boundaries, or dealing with sexual abuse, fear, relationships, or other issues. Whatever one of you knows, they can share it with the others as long as it’s done in a kind way.
Journaling is very important! Everyone needs the opportunity to have a voice; remember abuse is when someone takes your voice and your choice. So you want to offer a chance for everyone to express their opinions. Let each one choose their own pens, colors, notebooks, writing style, language, etc., anything to give them options. You might need to set healthy boundaries about the time the journaling can take place, so you don’t lose valuable sleep. That is why an agreed upon schedule will help everyone.
In a similar way workbooks can be very useful. For example, the book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, addresses specific issues that confront us daily. Issues such as living a life out of control, having people take advantage of us, having trouble saying no, being disappointed with God because of unanswered prayers, and other topics. There is both a workbook and book which are easy to use and practical.
If you are far enough in your healing journey to not be triggered, The Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender is a good book and workbook which can be used for a group inside or a literal group of people struggling with childhood sexual abuse. There are lots of Bible study workbooks for all levels of ability and interest that can be used.
The more you can work toward co-consciousness and co-operation with all of your parts, the better off you will be. Every piece is part of your humanity and needs recognition; even the fragments or those who seem to be “bad alters”.
A giant roadblock to self-awareness can be the problem of fear. There may be those inside who seem “bad”, scary or intimidating. If they are truly a part of you, then you may be able to make rules so they can communicate and still let everyone else stay safe. You might ask Jesus to bind any demons first—it usually helps them be less frightening.
It seems to be a principle with dissociation, that the alters who seem to be the most controlling, domineering, violent, mean or scary are those who suffered the most to keep you alive. They really need expressions of appreciation for what they did for you.
Once you make friends and learn to value them, this might not be a problem, but at first you may have to work to find the best methods. What about a white board where messages are left for everyone to see? What about a conference room guarded by angels where each can express their needs? Remember, kindness and love go a long way toward bringing about mutual understanding and healing.
It may be both thrilling and frightening to begin getting acquainted with your parts. This can be an intense and awesome part of your recovery. Just think how exciting and productive you will be when all of you are working together for the same goal.
Once denial has agreed to cooperate, and those who preferred to not believe that they share the same body with others are willing to entertain the idea, an amazing courage emerges. Parts or alters who have not been consciously aware of others will make themselves known.
Do not be shocked or surprised if they believe themselves to be the opposite gender of your body. I, Sandra, have met many little girls in grown men clients and many males in female clients. Remember that when you were being hurt, you created whatever you believed would be the best for that traumatic situation. Alters could be much younger than the body age or much older also.
I have met wolves, yes many animal alters, rocks, a streak of color, a jar of peaches and alters who thought they were demons, etc. Actually anything is possible! Psalm 139:14 says, “I will give thanks to Thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Thy works. And my soul knows it very well.” The child is able to draw upon whatever they have experienced so far in real life or books or T.V. etc. to use their imagination to create whatever they think is the safest to protect the original person at the time. Of course, the alters are not really the opposite gender, nor an animal, a body part or inanimate object. In time, as the counselor helps you to gain capacity, that truth emerges, and special prayers can correct the confusion.
I have often heard my clients exclaim with anxiety and dismay, “How many are there—will it ever stop?” They seem to be comforted when I explain the sheer numbers may indicate the degree, frequency and sophistication of abuse they had to suffer. It will not be necessary to do memory work with all of your parts. It could take a few lifetimes of counseling if that were true. Many suffered the same kinds of hurts and fears. Many were built upon an original traumatic event. Once that foundational trauma is healed, those built upon it seem to also receive the healing and integrate. It can be likened to removing the foundation of a building and the floors above just collapse. In the case of alters, this is a constructive event and not a destructive one as in the case of the building.
Yes, it takes work and commitment, but you are worth every bit of it. Get to know and appreciate the special, unique person our Heavenly Father made you to be.